Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

A “You” message is when you tell someone how they are.  When you are talking with someone and you want them to know how rude they are, if you say to them, “look, you are rude, you are thoughtless, you are inconsiderate.” It makes them very defensive, even if you’re right. So, use an “I” message and it will avoid the defensiveness. Instead of telling them how they are, you tell them how your experience is of their behavior.  So instead of saying “you’re rude, you say, “I’m uncomfortable with your behavior, which is clearly less than polite.” If you do it like that, then they are going to be more interested, and less defensive and you might actually get the message across. So use “I” messages rather than “you” messages and you will see results. 

You may find that when you talk about yourself, you speak in the second person a lot. You use the pronoun “you” rather than “I.” When you do that, you are watering down your authenticity or your power.  Here is an example: “In order to be a public speaker, at first you have to do a lot of prep and you feel uncomfortable because everybody’s judging you.  Or “When I speak in front of people, I’ve done a lot of prep and at first, I was uncomfortable and after a lot of practice, it got easier.”  So speak in the first person when you are talking about yourself.  It’s more compelling, its more authentic, and you have more horsepower.