Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

A “You” message is when you tell someone how they are.  When you are talking with someone and you want them to know how rude they are, if you say to them, “look, you are rude, you are thoughtless, you are inconsiderate.” It makes them very defensive, even if you’re right. So, use an “I” message and it will avoid the defensiveness. Instead of telling them how they are, you tell them how your experience is of their behavior.  So instead of saying “you’re rude, you say, “I’m uncomfortable with your behavior, which is clearly less than polite.” If you do it like that, then they are going to be more interested, and less defensive and you might actually get the message across. So use “I” messages rather than “you” messages and you will see results.