Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

Think about how often you opt for security.  You will stick with the same job you dislike because you’ve got seniority or because you’re vested, you stick with the same mate you dislike because you think, “well, who else will have me?” You stick with a job or some direction where you think you are secure and yet, you are continually reminded of your own dependency. The problem is that when you opt for security and you’re unhappy, then you’re dependent.  If you’re dependent then you are weak and angry.  So instead, consider happiness.  Happiness is when you are in control of your life rather than dependent.  So, jump in the pool, take that risk, off-load that security and you will feel better. 

If you think about your relationship with your mate and one or both of you is full of contempt for the other, that absolutely will kill the relationship. It is the most toxic thing you can do.  If you think about contempt, think about disgust.  If one or both of you, while the other is talking, rolls your eyes, or immediately discounts any initiative at all, and all you are thinking about is contempt, your relationship is doomed. My recommendation is to stop this nonsense right now and end the relationship or go get some professional help.  The likelihood that you are going to fix this without help is remote.  So take this seriously, fix it!

If you think about your relationship with your mate, you might notice that you and/or your mate is really good at criticizing. And, if you are good at criticizing the prognosis for your relationship really stinks.  You are going to kill the relationship because criticism is continually toxic; it actually robs the relationship of its foundation. If you want to pretend that you are helping instead of actually criticizing you might want to adjust your perspective on things.  A relationship with continual criticism in it will actually die.  So replace the criticism with all that reinforcement that you did during courtship.  When you do that, you are building a foundation and you can repair things. 

You’ll notice that when you are stonewalling your need to avoid talking about it is more important than your need to resolve anything.  Often one or both of you have these off limit subjects in your relationship that now are so incendiary it is impossible to talk about them.  So therefore you avoid talking about it.  You say, “I don’t want to deal with it.” You’ll say, “There is no problem.” You simply stonewall. So, does it really make any sense to keep avoiding dealing with it, whatever it is simply because it is so difficult to do so?  Therefore, stop stonewalling.  Start talking about it.  Start resolving it.  And you’ll get some results. 

Do you get defensive?  Do you defend yourself all the time? If you do, then you’ll notice that very often you have to be right or make sure you avoid being wrong. When you defend yourself, your need to be in the contest is more important than your need to resolve an issue with your mate.  Therefore, if you or your partner continues to be defensive, that creates a death-nail for your relationship. So ask yourself, do you need to be right or would you like to resolve the issue? If you think about resolving it then the need to defend yourself goes down and now you actually resolve issues and make progress, so consider that.   

If you think about your life, there are a handful of items that are really important:  your health, your wealth, your sleep, your family, your relationships and your finances.  Those are important.  So, what is urgent?  Well, it’s putting out the latest fire, it’s the latest thing you get seduced by, it’s the “We have to clean up the house before the cleaning people arrive.” How insane is that?  If you get seduced too often by the urgent, you’ll notice that the important takes short shrift.  So write down a list of what is really important and set aside time to do those first.  When you do, you are in charge of your life.

“The Benefit of the doubt,” when I hear people say that, I think it’s insane.  In what way is there any benefit in doubt? When you think about it, the moment you hear the word “doubt” you start getting nervous and you start thinking there is a real problem. Rather, the intent of "benefit of the doubt" is actually one that is supposed to repair things as opposed to making them worse.  So, change the wording from “the benefit of the doubt” to “the benefit of the trust” or “the benefit of the confidence.”  When you say that it seems like it is repairing things rather than making them more divisive. So, change it from “doubt” to “trust” and see what happens.