Maximizing Performance Through Applied Common Sense*

A lot of people speak in disjointed thoughts and sentences, they start an idea, stop it in the middle, then start another idea then stop it and start another one. Notice, when you do that, people really get uncomfortable because they are trying to keep up.  What you are doing is trying to manage your anxiety because your brain is ready for the information sooner than your mouth can get to it.  So, simply slow down, deliberately slow down and complete each thought.  When you do that, you are in command and the listener finds it easier to follow you. 

Do you ever notice that you will say, “I wanted to ask you…” “What I was going to ask you was…”  “I just wanted to thank you.” When you put your present intentions in the past tense, it waters down your horsepower.  It actually invalidates the message you want to say.  So instead of saying, “I wanted to ask you…” change it to “I want to ask you…” “I want to thank you.”  Put it in the present tense and now you have a lot more horsepower and you are avoiding invalidating your strength.  So, give it a try.  I want you to know that. 

Think about how often you opt for security.  You will stick with the same job you dislike because you’ve got seniority or because you’re vested, you stick with the same mate you dislike because you think, “well, who else will have me?” You stick with a job or some direction where you think you are secure and yet, you are continually reminded of your own dependency. The problem is that when you opt for security and you’re unhappy, then you’re dependent.  If you’re dependent then you are weak and angry.  So instead, consider happiness.  Happiness is when you are in control of your life rather than dependent.  So, jump in the pool, take that risk, off-load that security and you will feel better. 

You’ll notice that when you are stonewalling your need to avoid talking about it is more important than your need to resolve anything.  Often one or both of you have these off limit subjects in your relationship that now are so incendiary it is impossible to talk about them.  So therefore you avoid talking about it.  You say, “I don’t want to deal with it.” You’ll say, “There is no problem.” You simply stonewall. So, does it really make any sense to keep avoiding dealing with it, whatever it is simply because it is so difficult to do so?  Therefore, stop stonewalling.  Start talking about it.  Start resolving it.  And you’ll get some results. 

Do you get defensive?  Do you defend yourself all the time? If you do, then you’ll notice that very often you have to be right or make sure you avoid being wrong. When you defend yourself, your need to be in the contest is more important than your need to resolve an issue with your mate.  Therefore, if you or your partner continues to be defensive, that creates a death-nail for your relationship. So ask yourself, do you need to be right or would you like to resolve the issue? If you think about resolving it then the need to defend yourself goes down and now you actually resolve issues and make progress, so consider that.   

Love what you can love and let the rest go.  Do you ever notice that you have a relative… a parent, a brother, a mother-in-law, someone who you care about and yet they drive you out of your mind?  Their behavior is insane.  It makes you want to dip into the Prozac, or open a vein or go buy them a set of cement shoes.  “Come on darling, let’s go get some shoes.” Well, what do you do about that?  The reality is that it is hard to reconcile the gap between the fact that you really love that person and that you really have trouble with their behavior.  You might thrash around trying to figure out what to do.  Look at it this way… love what you can love and let the rest go.  Love what you can love and let the rest go, that’s common sense.  You can simply love what’s lovable and quit fussing about the rest.  It makes sense. 

The final step to resolving conflict, once you have defined the problem, come up with multiple options, evaluated the options, chosen what you want to do and implemented the solutions is to follow up.  It is absolutely essential that you follow up.  You must meet again with the people with whom you have conflict.  If you fail to follow up the whole thing will evaporate. And, when you do follow up, fine-tune and keep going and the resolution is solid. Remember to follow up. 

The first thing to do to resolve conflict is find the problem.  Then you want to generate options and as you are generating enough options you are going to want to evaluate them.  The best way to evaluate the options is to look at all the options and rate them 1 to 10.  Ten means it is a great idea, one means it stinks.  When you use a 1 to 10 scale to determine the value of each of the options, the highest numbers become self-evident.  I recommend using the 1 to 10 scale and the best options will emerge by themselves. 

If you are going to resolve conflict, one of the first things that you need to do is define the problem, particularly with the person with whom you have conflict.  The way you do that is you ask them, from their view, what the problem is.  When they tell you, you listen and play it back and simply ask for clarification.  If there are more people with whom you have conflict, you ask them as well.  The more you ask, the more you find out, from their view, what the conflict is.  Then listen for the nature of the conflict in the form of a question as opposed to a statement.  So rather than saying, “The problem is we don’t get along.” say, “The problem is, how are we going to figure out to get along?” When you put it in the form of a question, you are much more likely to get answers and then you will get better results.  This is step 1 in resolving conflict.  

One of the things you will want to do if you are going to resolve conflict is to review the way you think about compromise.  If you’re a them vs. us, win - lose, black - white, kind of person then often you think that any kind of compromise is a loss.  Compromise is, you give a little and I give a little, and we make a quid pro quo kind of deal.  But, if you think that anything less than what you want is a loss, then you are going to associate weakness and loss with compromise.  My recommendation is to remember if you are going to resolve conflict, compromise is one of the essential tools to do it.  When you learn to compromise, you are probably going to resolve the conflict and move on. 

One of the things that you want to do if you are going to resolve conflict is you must adjust your view on conflict.  Lots of people think that conflict is bad and therefore, destructive and you must avoid it.  The reality is, conflict is inevitable and it’s what happens with people.  If you understand that it is inevitable, sometimes when you actually resolve conflict, you feel relived; it feels like the air is cleared.  Rather than deciding that conflict is bad, consider that conflict is normal and right on schedule.  If you think that way, you are much more likely to confront it and learn the skills to resolve it.  So conflict is inevitable and you can learn the skills and you’ll get better results.

One of the beliefs that are very counter-productive in resolving conflict is them vs. us.  That means that you think in the terms of win or lose, right or wrong, good or bad and them vs. us.  If you have that notion, it is very unlikely that you are ever going to resolve conflict because it’s now them vs. us.  So, think about us and us.  Think about demonizing "them" less and about trying to work with "them," whoever they are.  When you do that, you are much more likely to resolve conflict and them vs. us will become less toxic.

It is curious that all the surveys continue to confirm that everyone wants more listening… listening from your partner, a service provider, from a manager; the reality is rarely do people actually listen.  When you listen, its more than just hearing what someone says.  It means that you play back to them what you thought they said.  When you do that, you reduce the margin for error between what you heard and what they said.  And, more important, when you play it back, they feel understood. If they feel understood, they are much less likely to get defensive.  Spend more time listening to what people say and then play back to them, particularly when it is important what they said. When you do that, you actually make progress because listening is the best way to get your point across. 

Think about the way in which your spirit can soar when you do something wonderful for someone else, particularly someone you barely know.  For example:  it looks like someone in a public place is very unhappy; buy a flower and give it to them.  If there is someone in front of you at the supermarket and they are fumbling for change, pay it for them.  Go to the hospital and spend some time with a sick person who wants company.  It is really remarkable how you feel so much better about life when you perform a random act of kindness.  So pay it forward, show some love, show some care, and your spirit will benefit enormously. 

Responsibility is all about owning whatever decisions you have made.  When you are a fully functioning grown-up, you take responsibility for your behavior, your actions, your decisions and your initiatives.  So, responsibility really is learning to be a fully functioning adult.  If you say you are going to do something, do it!  If you say you are going to follow through, follow through!  If something is broken on your watch, take ownership for it!  Follow through, show commitment, and avoid the blaming, the whining, and that somehow thinking that making excuses is going to get you results.  Take more responsibility and others will as well. 

Most experts say that you need to drink about eight glasses of water a day.  If you drink more water, you have by far better digestion, you are going to sleep better, you are going to flush your system better and you’re going to feel full.  So, instead of over-eating, drink a large glass of water and you will feel less likely to want to over-eat.  The idea is that if you spend more time drinking water, you’ll notice that you actually feel better, you lose weight sooner, and you are more alert and conscious.  All the way around, it is better. So, take more water, eight a day and you will see more results.

If you’ve decided to improve your health, lose some weight, and get in shape you are going to have starts and stops.  You are going to have trouble; you are going to fail... everyone does.  When you fail, you quit.  Get back in the saddle.  So instead of just quitting, ask yourself, “What am I noticing?  Did I over-stuff?  What do I do now?”   Think in terms of recovery as opposed to quitting.    Most people set unreasonable goals for themselves then when they are unable to complete them they just quit.  So if you think about recovery, you are going to get back in the saddle.